Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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