I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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