We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
