The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
