weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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