Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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