i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
