out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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