When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
