I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
