She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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