Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
