a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
