You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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