I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
