After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
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