it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
