walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
