apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
