Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
