it was like his penis was on wheels.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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