So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
