just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
