dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
