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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I will be naked everywhere
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
