I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
