I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
