Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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