Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
