I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
