how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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