The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
