:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize