I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
