omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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