Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize