I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
