I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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