Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
