The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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