my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
