can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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