I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
