I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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