she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
