I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
