I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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