I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Drunk is not a location!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
