youre lurking in front of me
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
