God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
