before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
