He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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