she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
