My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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