you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
