so explain again why im purple
no
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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